📅 2/3/26

new diary, hello hello. it is crazy that it's march already, winter is coming to an end and spring, lovely SPRING, is coming!! it's interesting how quickly things can change in the span of a year or even just a few months. last year i wouldn't even really drink alcohol, now i love cough syrup (though i suspect the happy phase of my relationship with this drug is coming to an end, considering how i rely on it as an emotional crutch), and i desire more of everything. more alcohol, more dxm, more drugs, more ways of getting high. i finally got myself on the dark/deep web to get myself some more stuff, stronger stuff. i guess when it comes to substances nothing is ever enough. pills are so expensive though, holy crow! holy mackeral, i don't want to spend hundreds on amphetamines each month!! money is tight already. i understand why people sell their bodies just for their next fix, but i won't do that, never ever. ever!! i am thinking way into the future. right now i'm doing ok, and i think i'll try and get sober soon enough anyway. it's just a struggle to commit to that, because you know without it then you won't really experience that shiny feeling where everything is perfect and nothing can ever hurt you at this moment. though there are other ways of getting a rush like that, but it will never be the same, you know? one of the greatest things about dxm is that it allows you to step outside of yourself and analyse your problems from a detached perspective, and suddenly you realise how insignifcant everything, along with yourself, is. it's freeing. and it's an interesting juxtaposition, the way being dependent on a substance can also allow you to feel so free, so small in the face of the universe, in face of everything. it's cool but drugs are lame, never forget that. dxm is the most retarded drug to get addicted to, but i guess it's so easily accesible, since its just freakin cough syrup. whateva. don't do drugs!!!!!!!! the shiny feeling i described is just a borrowed sun; it burns bright because it is not mine.

i remember the first time i got high, i told ashton i didn't want to be like him, ever. i still don't, i've seen that boy during his withdrawals and my goodness, what a terrible time it is for him. and i won't become like him, ever. i wish he didn't have to suffer and struggle so intensely, i wish nobody did. i wish we could all be happy and get along and not rely on drugs to feel not suicidal, which is a terribly naive and juvenile wish but it doesn't make it less sad that the world doesn't work like that. at 11:11, everyday i'll make my wish. well, i cheat and steal two more wishes, one for me, one for him, one for everyone else. that doesn't make me selfish, i think. i miss him, we had a good laugh and a happy time together. but i have a feeling we'll be back in buisiness again soon. this all sounds romantic but i'm not sure if it is romantic, i'm not sure about love and relationships anymore. i think i'm even slightly asexual these days, though i was thinking about kissing with tongue earlier, so maybe not. but things will be alright. you know when you just have that deep, pervasive feeling that it's all gonna work out, and in the end it does? that's one of life's best things. new idea for me: make a list on this site of all the bestest things ever. all of us, all my fucked up friends will be alright!!! i know it, because i'm going to save us all, and people will say that's not possible, you can't save someone but i can. lily will do just that, and i'll try my best because one thing about me is that i have so much love to give, so much that i could give and give and give and never drain myself. i'm a lover, and i don't even mean that romantically.

also me and ashton will talk again, because i'm wanting to ask him about robert's criminal charge LOL. why he got arrested, website says it was domesic assault so i'm curious on the lore about that. i don't think it's a relationship type of domestic assault, just family, which i feel is better. but that is perhaps because i have a messed up view of family and stuff, since i have never, for some reason, felt any form of familial connection or love towards my family. it's almost like we're co-workers or just people who live in the same house as each other. it sounds very evil and horrible but i don't know, it is what it is. i love my friends, i love deeply when in a relationship, i love everyone on a broader scale. i am really quite a gentle person, even if it doesn't appear that way sometimes.

i want to climb trees. there are lots of things i want to do, so i'll do them all. i gotta make a list! and i want to go to america, very badly. i just feel like i should go there. lily in america arc, i guess i just desire to be out of this house and into the world, so i'll go anywhere, really. also i want to send letters to someone again, i miss writing letetrs and decorating them like crazy with stickers!!!!! and putting sweets and random lil gifts in the package, it's so fun, and i think making things for people is how i express my love.

📅 3/3/26

listening to the xiu xiu cover of fast car - it really is so genuinely beautiful and heartbreaking to listen to, at least for me. the lyrics hit so deeply with jamie stewart's vocals, one of the best musicians of all time, in my opinion. god!!!!!!!!

i guess it's so sad because it's so truly relatable for me; leave tonight or die this way. i don't want to die this way, i don't want to stay here. i gotta go, i gotta be with someone i love and make some kind of life for myself. i don't care about getting a job or nuffin, i just want to be FREE and to be *someone*, lily.

i am actually doing pretty okay today. it's cold, and i have the window open, because it's that nice sort of cold, where the sky is a clear blue and things feel slughtly forsted, but you know that spring is almost here and it'll be warmer again soon. time moves so quickly, it really stresses me to think about. i guess because i know there's so much i want to do, but i've not done it. i'll do it though, i really will. fuck this silly dxm nonsense, all this suffering, and for what? i'm not a martyr, i'm just a nineteen year old girl. i just gotta go outside, pick up sticks and cool rocks and wear my hair down like i like to, when it's all long and messy and i look like crazed and wild but i don't care!!!! that's it.

it's nice to work on the site again, after long periods of inactivity. i have ideas, i always do. sometimes i'm just ridiculously lazy. also, i find that i'm not really too bothered that my phone is completely fucked. the screen won't work and it won't charge or connect to wifi or anything, and at this point i'm sure it won't even turn on, but i'm pretty indifferent, to be honest. just a phone, really. it's interesting though, how i'm so chronically online and addicted to it, but as soon as it breaks i'm like, oh well, whatever. really, whatever! i'll get a new one at some point. thankfully, i logged into icloud on my computer so i have everything there, my photos and notes and passwords. if those weren't salvagable, that would've upset me a lot actually - with my photos, i have 23,000.... that's astonishing to me! lots of cool awesome things on there, though many thousands of completely redundant and pointless ones too. ah well. i want to get a digital camera and take my photos with that; i feel like that's so much more interesting than just regular pics from your phone. i got a camera from aliexpress ages ago, for around twelve pounds, but the quality is terrible (and not in an aesthetic way either) and it barely works. i guess the lesson i learned is - don't buy devices or electronics from aliexpress. i just get stickers and random trinkets and toys from there usually. for a good camera, i'll get a second hand one off ebay probably, and i'll spend more than twelve pounds LOL. but i won't get duped into buying a mid-tier digital camera from 2009 for an extortionate price just because of the aesthetic value.

also the barbie phone looks cool. i should get one of them, that's pure lily aura :D


one more thing: cassette players are fuckin AWESOME!!!! i rly love mine, it's pink & sparkly with glitter inside, and the tapes i have are of the most soul-crushing, suicide-inducing, gut-wrenching artists ever (see: giles corey )... the juxtaposition is so goated no one ever expects me to have the music taste that i do. physical media is just the greatest, I LOVE PHYSICAL MEDIA!!!!!! you'd have to kill me before you take my tapes... i'm going to make a music page.

📅 4/3/26

the date on this says the fourth, but it's actually still the third. i just wanted to write again and i didn't want to mess up the real entry of today. i feel like i've had a .......... i don't know the word to describe it, but it's almost a release. regarding ashton, guuuuuuuh. i don't want him anymore, i don't desire him or his love or even his conversation - it's like i stopped idolising him, stopped remincisning and yearning for the past, and just accepted that we are in the present now and we cannot go back. i see him for who he is, a bit of a C-U-Next-Tuesday, and i don't know, i'm not so sad about it anymore. i cried but i'm ok about it. i won't speak to him again, and that's alright. i guess i have a habit of loving people who bring me down, i remember one of my friends telling me not to let him dull my . ݁˖ .⋆ ݁｡˚⋆sparkle ⋆˚｡⋆. ݁˖ . so i won't any longer. hindsight is an evil thing. you always realise someone is bad for you after they hurt you. but such is life. i don't care about that so much anymore, i forgive him in the way where i don't feel deep fondness or negativity towards him, more just in the way of complete indifference. get better soon and all, but not with me. i'm lily, i'm a pretty cool gal who does cool stuff so i'll keep doing that. i won't talk about him no more, much better stuff to discuss, like -

i ordered 2 bottles of dxm pills, 6000! mg in total, which is crazy to me. 100 pills in a bottle, 30mg per pill. i can do maths, i think...... 30x100 = 3000 x 2 = 6000. i'm a GOD DAMN GENIUS!!! i probably won't even use them because i'm planning to get sober soon. inshallah. talking about drugs is boring. i think my bank account has been compromised, in other news. my card was frozen, thankfully, but i saw a blocked charge to kindle unlimited when i've never once signed up for such a service, gah!!! these fools ain't gonna get much out of me anyway because i do not have much money!!! i have like. £320 in total, and i'm not approved for credit or an overdraft so that would literally be everything, and 320 isn't nothing, but still. i'm not rich LOL.

📅 4/3/26 (the real 4th)

hallo again neocities text editor (i do all my coding in this, like a true alpha female!!!!!!! fuck outta here wit your VScode or what have you.) ... i'm chillin.. still haven't bought myself a new phone, or even tried to fix my broken one yet, haven't even told my parents. i just can't be BOTHERED!!!! just now i watched strange darling (2023) and i REALLY tried to like it but i couldn't, i guess even though it attempted to be subversive and do a cheeky little plot twist, i knew what it would reveal. i'll spoil it because it's my diary and no one is really readin these anyway. it turns out the lady is the serial killer!!!!! what that's crazy!!!!!!! i was expecting that as soon as i saw it it was described as 'a cat-and-mouse game of murder', because these days you can't really do films where the guy is just goin around killing the ladies, especially if it's in a sexual manner....... i dunno, i guess i find those sort of 'role reversals' in media to be BORING. probably because it feels like an attempt at being super shocking and feminist, but i find it just falls flat and doesn't really succeed at the author's aims. except for boy parts, which has to be one of my favourite books of all time...... which MIGHT be exactly like what i just described but i love it forever. (big up tha norf east too) me when the relationship dynamic is strange and psychosexual 😋😋😋.

but anyway i just didn't really like the filmHOWEVER. the cinematography was pretty freakin epic and visually it was enjoyable to look at!! and kyle gallner is one of my favourite actors. i was looking at his wikipedia page actually, that's how i found this film. dinner in america one of the best films EVER!!!!!!!!!!! i wish i could articualate why i didn't like it properly, but i'm kind of bad at words. GAH! whatever. i'm gonna make a favourite films page. here are some!!!!! sneaky preview:



there's many many more i LOVE AND ADORE, a lot of weird niche ones especially british ones from 1960 onwards, i LOVE bfi player with all my heart. plus weird ass soviet animations from like 1970 are GOATED. i was looking at subscribing to mubi also, but i read an article discussing how one of mubi's recent investors has ties to the IDF. so . i don't want to support that because i like to think i have morals!

i've got SO MANY PAGE IDEAS for LILYWORLD!!!!!! it really is the world ... of lily... can you believe it?

📅 5/3/26

hello everypony ..... i'm good today :-} well, mentally. i do have an ear infection, & woke up this morning with an unbearable snotty nose & a cough (god is punishing me for recreational use), but it's gone now! huzzah !! ear infection will hopefully go away soon, the NHS website says they usually clear up in about 3 days; however -- last time i was plagued with one, it was longer than a week of pure pain. i need to stop holding my head underwater and letting the water in it get stuck and get infected!!! real ones know i like to hold my head underwater for as long as i physically can. it's fun it's cathartic it feels and looks cool. highly recommend pretending to drown yourself!!!

being mentally ok and physically ill is much preferable to being physically ok and terribly, horrifically mentally ill because the pain in the latter cannot be allievated by ibroprufen (i take these LIKE A KING. at least 2 a day. my liver is weeping.) and paracetamol. in the recent weeks i've had thoughts of violently killing myself but it's not so often now, it used to be all day Every day. torture!!!!! but it's at the point where i can just go 'ya ok man shut the fuck up' and go to sleep or play SPORE or do a painting or whateva.

i've been listening to a lot of new music lately, mostly skramz. (my brother hates that i call it that, he says 'CALL IT SCREAMO!!'...no!!!!!!!! i like the silly word. skramz) a lot of it is very obscure uk releases, mostly from the 1990s-early 2000s. here's a playlist. starsasmirrors is a GOATED channel. may the owner of it live a prosperous existence. may we all! i really, desperately want to make music; playing bass, vocals, whatever. i can't get back into FL studio these days. it just irritates me for an inexplicable reason. too many yabujin wannabes out there, be yourself.
also, here's a song from a band i've just discovered last night, at like 3am. this is my favourite song i've listened to so far.

i will attempt to save *some* money. so many things to do, so little money. still, after i get my retardNEETmoney next month i'll have 700 in total, then over a grand the next. i don't particuarly need many things. i'd like more paint though, but the ones i use are the cheap kind, glittery and irridescent and neon-coloured, mostly. irridescent - one of my favourite words. irridescent! ! ! they don't even have the paint i need on their website, ARGH ARGH ARGH I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE. i just really want that paint. but oh well. i guess if i can't buy it, that leaves more money for my *international travel plans*. plus i can just steal it from their stores. i love shoplifting !!!!!! no one ever suspects me of stealing because i look young. (people say around 14-16?) and i'm white so that probably helps, plus my style & the way i carry myself just doesn't really give off thief vibes.... little do they know, i be swipin shit left n right.

📅 6/3/26

wassup everypony!!!!!!! i drank a bottle of cough syrup and my god i don't know how these mfs in the dextronation be doing this EVERYDAY!!i am weak. it tastes disgusting, that's easily one of the biggest deterrants out there; though i can just get pill form, but since its from america (you guys LOVE your dxm like crazy) it takes absolutely ages to ship since it has to go through customs and all that, plus a bottle of cough syrup is much easier to explain away. cough cough. i'm so sick! cough. i'm gonna get properly fully sober soon, i don't need this!!! i'm magical and amazing and wonderful without it!!! it'll kick in in around an hour or two, lord. i remember the first time i got high, i told ashton i drank it and he was like 'i didn't thin you'd actually do it'... if there's one thing about me is that i'm BRAVE!! i commit to the bit. and i stick to my word wherever possible. he called me & when i answered, it was robert who spoke first and said hello. instead of being super autistic like i usually was (the first time i met robert i cried and closed my eyes and went fuckin nonverbal LMAO ..) , i actually said hello back and could hold a conversation with him. i was super high, so i asked him questions like, 'have you ever been molested?' (yes (me too)) and i was UTTERLY CONVINCED he was a full-on homosexual man who was going to get freaky with ashton. actually he's firmly bisexual and apparently they HAVE gotten freaky before, so my hallucinated detective work was not entirely incorrect. partial credit for lily. ashton told me he has the biggest dick he's ever seen, that his nickname is based upon his supposedly massive dick. fascinating anthropological information. good for him honestly. i hope it brings joy to the people of the earth. i never was particuarly bothered that they'd gotten freaky together, still aren't. i guess cus it's a guy? but sex is sex regardless, but i don't know and i don't care LOL. this was a tangent!! i was just trying to say that dxm made me less autistic LOL.

one of the worst things about it is the nausea, i feel like i'm going to absolutely fucking vomit everything out of my body, including my organs. who could've thought that drinking a whole bottle of robitussin is a bad idea???? crazy!!!!!!medical science will be STUNNED!! by my revalation. throwing up is Actually the worst, it's such an unpleasant feeling!!! that's one of the reason why i never plan to get pregnant; if i desire to have kids, i'll adopt. plus there's too many kids in the system out there who need good homes, and i hope i can give it to them one day.

i don't have to live like this. i won't do it no more. if anyone wants a free bottle of robitussin (please use it for coughs), hit my line. also the room is spinning right now and my perspective of everything (physically) has shifted, it's all moving around like crazy. oh my god i'm high LOL why did it kick in so quickly??? that's new. like 5 mins after i wrote all of this i threw up my fuckin guts!!!! which was awful!!! however i feel completely fine now, i think i'm just hgih!!!! i'm astonishe di can type so well cus normallu i'm tweakin out all over the place hwen on my phone LOL. oh i just read it bakc oops. whateva. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this juxtaposition is so funny and quite sad at the same timme. but im feelin good rn. happy do u see why ido this ?i wish i didn't have to but lets not dwell on that now. thats for tomorrow lily. i saw chicken and carrot in my throw up, and that's because i had chicken and carrots and mashed potato for dinner. brocoli too but i didn't eat that cus it was tooo hard and hurt my teefh. i like when its overboiled and REALLY soft. ! thats how my dad does it . gonna paint ? i love you all like i said before but i just want veryone in the wordl to be happy. i will message um ashton perhaps and tlel him i forgive him ! ! ifeel forgiving. that boy is a terrible buddhist and needs to do some work!!!!!!! on himself!! we ALL read the dhammapada boy now we hav tp be nice peopel :)

📅 7/3/26

hello again DIARY!!! getting high again, i am SO ADDICTED it's Not even funny anymoar , and it's such a lame drug to be addicted to, as i always say. COUGH SYRUP! tastes fucking grim, need me pills NOW!!!!!!! lol whatever. i'm watching beast (2017), one of my favourite movies ever - if you saw my entry from 3 days ago where i discuss films, you'll see that :D it's just so good, i feel some sort of kinship to moll, the main character. she just wants to be free !! here's the description of the film, taken from BFI player (my beloved)

i'll probably write moar later like i did yesterday, it's nice to do a stream of consciousness type thing, even if my spelling is atrocious and i don't make all that much sense; it just feels lovely to be in that 'i forgive the world and i love everyone' state. it's like i'm FREE!!!!!!! but i know that i can be free without that. meditation and all that stuff, i'm torn between buddhism and my own sort of celtic paganism; maybe i just mix the two and create my own sort of 'religion', or rather just my way of living and believing.

yesterday was nice until i attempted to go to sleep at around 6am ---- my mind and body were not co-operating; my legs felt far too heavy for the rest of my body, as if i was wearing metal boots designed to keep me attached to the world while my sense of gravity disintegrated, like if i my legs weren't so heavy i'd float away. and my bed, i couldn't lie comfortably because the size and perspective of it kept shifting -- not physically, of course, just in my mind -- simultaneously too large and too small for my body. it was an uncomfortable inconvenience, but also interesting at the same time, to see the states your brain can create with the right circumstances and chemicals. it feels as if we're more powerful than we think we are. i can already feel it kicking in now, a sense of dissociation from my surroundings. up and down, up and down.

i wonder if there's anyone out there who's concerned for me, or if i'm completely alone with this. it is what it is!! just a strange era of my life right now, the next one will come soon - i am Sure of it. i have big dreams and big desires. i used to desire to go to an art school, to study fine art in uni, but i don't really now; not anymore. i'll go back to education, someday, maybe. but my dreams currently do not involve education. i want to go places, i want to see the world, i want to be far away from this semi-detached 4 bedroom house. and right now i also want to lay down in the dirt, and just feel the earth, i'm on it and it's on me. together, one, joined to what created us and where we physically go at the end. i used to dream of water but now i dream of dirt.

the room is spinning, or maybe i am. i can't discern.

UPDATE!!!!! once again i just threw up; i hope this doesn't become a common thing. i can spell, kind of, at least right now. i'm not going to do it anymore, i swear by that!!! itfucking sucks!!!! the high is not worth the restof the stuff that comes before and after. you get fuckin sick as a dog before , then after you feel depressed bedauwe you dont have the aritifal whatever that makes you feel extra sparkly and good qnd happy. i hate it . while i was bent over the bin preparing to throw up, i was thinking to ymself 'i dont have to live like this' and it's right, i don't have to live like this. i won't, i shouldn't. i don;t think anyone does. ph man. lemme reply to quatro's email, i freakin love quatro he is epic. funny yioutbe videoman. quatrowrodl?????? no way!!!!!!! heyquatro morelike!!!!1 what if i was heylily!!!! i like that. sounds like a tv hspw for kdis kind of,m like , hey lily! whats on the gaenda for tofay! we're going to go on adventure!! ok reading back my message mayeb i hsouldnt write back yet. my dpellign is bad.

📅 9/3/26

mornin everypony!! i'm doin good today, once again. i was a little worried i'd be having withdrawal symptoms since getting high for two days straight, but thankfully, i've been doin pretty well actually!! i have the cravings to get high but other than that, nuffin else :D and i'll be good! i'm gonna order a cake LOL, i'm in the mood to just devour somethin SWEET!! plus, my ear infection has seemingly cleared up, and it no longer hurts, phew. ear infections, along with tooth infections, are from HELL! i gotta stop letting bath water get deep in my ears.

i've been listening to aphex twin and watching teleshopping; both of those things have a similar essence to them, sort of dissociative. ambient teleshopping. i remember on saturday night i was watching a heavily botoxed man try to persuade the channel's eldery viewers into purchasing some ceramic animals, and i was TRANSFIXED! i was staring at his unsettlingly shiny forehead and thinking about licking it; not from a place of desire or lust, more just sheer drug-induced fascination. i felt pity that no one seemed to want the ceramic animals, especially not the dragon or the elephant. the lion and the dog seemed more popular - he went 'woof woof' whenever talking about the dog. fascinating.

i tried to read flowers in the attic earlier, but it was a bit incesty for me & it made me UNCOMFORTABLE! so i gave it back to my dad.

📅 10/3/26

hello hello. earlier, i was TWEAKIN TF OUT like crazy, so i smashed my (already broken) phone to pieces. man whateva! i'm good now though, i did a drawing on this page of mine!!! if you create any drawings, pleaseeeeeee send me them (if you want) via my email... iamLilyPilled [at] proton [dot] me.i would very much love to see ^+^ anyway, here's my drawing:


OUR SOULS ARE DESTINED TO DANCE TOGETHER

it's not so good, but i don't mind; i really enjoy just creating drawings from swirls and random lines - it feels very automatic and intuitive, you know? like there's an element of my spirit within the picture; that's what i felt with all the colours.

📅 12/3/26

i have not been so good at writing much recently; but does anyone genuinely read this? i don't think so, but if you do, let me know!! i actually did have stuff to say, but i've forgotten it. ARGH!!! that's ok, i'll just make it up as we go along.

i have been craving so much cake lately, and i said a couple entries back (?), i would order some, but i never did - because my card is frozen, and since i use monzo (boooo millenial digital only banking services will go to hell) i cannot unfreeze it without the app - i do not have access to the app curently because, as i have said before, my phone is FUCKED!!!! i get a new one very soon, though. back to the topic at hand: CAKE! i want cake!! i have not really eaten much at all for like, a week, or so. i can't remember how long it's been. i've just had no appetite, which i think is slightly drug-induced, since dxm acts a very strong appetite suppressor, which is good if you have an eating disorder or whateva. (if you do, please don't take bad advice from lily, as i am Not a good person to listen to) on the topic of drugs: MY PILLS HAVEN'T ARRIVED YET ARRGH ARGHHH!!!!!!! i'm screaming i'm crying i'm throwing up in AGONY!! ok, i'm slightly overexaggerating but it's pissin me awwwf ! it's in some distribution centre in california and hasn't moved in 5 days!!!! phew ok scratch that! i just checked and it's finally moved again, it's been processed and sorted THANK GOD !! hopefully now i don't have to wait Too Long, before i start crawling up walls and scratching my flesh off of my face and 'GIVE ME MY FUCKIN COUGH MEDICINE YOU BITCH'. i don't have a problem i swear i swear. just sick of actual cough syrup, innit ? fuckiiin foul.

anyway. that's enuf druggy talk!!! my life has been quite unbearable lately but i realise the way of coping with such deep inner atrocities is to just distract yourself constantly until you have enuf money to fuck off for a bit, which is what i am doing; this is not forever, of course, but it'll do for the time being. i know what will make my problems go away, and money will help with all of these problems, and since i don't, and cannot get a job (due to circumstances beyond my control) right now, i just have to wait it out because i still get my money from the Great British Government, even if it's not a lot a lot. but it's free money allowing me to be a NEET, so you know. beggars can't be choosers!!! i am such a freakin loser!!! whoever is reading this, i better be your favourite NEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok i'm feeling reflective. i am quite aware of the fact that my problems are honestly not so bad, i just have no coping skills and zero distress tolerance, but actually just admitting those aspects of yourself makes everything feel quite a bit easier to deal with. i guess it goes to show self-awareness is a Very Good Thing. such is life. i want to do baking, maybe i'll make cupcakes or cookies or something today - i will get my dad to go to the shop and buy me jam because i want something with it in, yummy. i won't leave the house to get it myself LOL. i've not left the house for ages apart to go to my doctors appointments. but. sometime, soon hopefully, i'll go out and i'll be away for ages!! as much as my little legs and my money can carry me, and i'll eat lots of pastries and chips and apple juice and milk and chicken and i won't care if i look fat or something because i'll be having my special time away! 🍌 and i can do whateva the eff i want and i'll have a super awesome time!!!!!!!! i also would like to go japan at some point this year to hangout with lovely QUATRO!!!!!!!!

actually i changed my mind regarding baking with jam, i'll make an apple cake instead, YUM!!! i go on such tangents when writing in this diary. but who cares!!!!!!!!!!! i don't!!! so, onto new things: i want to add shrines and stuff to this site, i want to show more of my interests. i have many!

📅 14/3/26

i think it sucks that some of the most important lessons you learn about yourself, and life itself, have to be taught through bad experiences, and some kind of suffering. for yourself, for others, for everyone, someone will always get hurt, but at least there usually is some kind of lesson. optimism seems to be cruel but i persist nonetheless, because i'm too tired for cynicism and nihilism; you get too a point where blackpilling is too hard to do, and you just gotta keep hoping instead - but don't let hope kill you. but also don't let doom and nihilism kill you, there's gotta be a balance. i don't know if someone is reading this, it's funny that i'm offering advice. though i suppose it's mostly for me to remember. reading my past entries regarding ashton and friends and others, i really, really wanted to fix them. i wanted to help them out of their addictions and mental illnesses, and see how fuckin beautiful life can be. i was in denial about the fact that you cannot force someone to get well, no matter how much love - and i give so, so much love - and care and attention you give them. as the old saying goes - you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot force it to drink. and you know, this applies to me too. lots of people end up thinking they can save me, but no one can save me, if i don't want to be saved. and all this talk of drugs and being suicidal and stuff, and i realise: i am not quite ready to be saved. i am not quite ready to get up off the ground and save myself, because the ground is comfortable after you've been there a while. this may read as self-pity, or wallowing, but i don't think it is. i don't mind this right now. i was miserable earlier but i managed to soothe myself by talking to myself in my head - an imaginary person in my head spoke to me and explained my situation from a compassionate standpoint; i say imaginary person, which just means it was me talking to myself and being kind to myself. it helped, it soothed me and now the usual ache is no longer here.

and you know, i always talk about drug use and it most definitely gets repetitive to read, so sorry; but i do it to remind myself that is not for forever. i am not going to be chugging cough syrup and stressing about pills and updating my diary when i'm high, forever. because i've got to grow out of it at some point - definitely not now, but sometime. i don't know when but it doesn't feel so far away. and i think that's all i say on the issue of my substance use/abuse (what's the correct term here?). i'm bored of talking about it, i want to talk about other things now.

like, i want to save up my money and go to america. i just really feel like i've gotta go to america soon, and i don't really know why but i'll do it anyway. maybe since so many people i know/used to know are american - there's so much unfinished business, but i don't want to see them, i just want to go to their country. which seems to appear as a form as closure, if you understand what i mean. well, does closure really exist? they say it doesn't, and i think i've actually rarely ever gotten closure when trying to - usually it just extends the ache a little bit more because my attempts at such never really end the pain like i'd imagine it would. the thing about pain is that it never really ends, it just changes how it looks over time. it ebbs and flows. you know what they say? the grief is never-ending, but so is the love. and i feel that everyday. everyday it burns in my chest but everyday i smile at the thought of someone else loving me, or i laugh at funny memories i've had with people - people who turned out to be evil, or just mentally ill (in the moment, you can't always tell who is who. but you know usually after a while. maybe they're just sad. maybe they're evil and sad. people are complex), or are dead. there's a lot of grief in my life. i grieve the past relationship, i grieve for future events, i grieve for those who disappeared or who killed themselves, i grieve my past self and the girl i could've been without all this trauma and these issues. i grieve for you, i grieve for me, i grieve for us all. but i love you, i love me sometimes, i love the world even when it's at its most evil. because the earth itself didn't do that; the grass and the trees and the water everywhere didn't commit warcrimes or rape or genocide. that's people. not the world, i love the world.

all of this to say i want to go to america! maybe there's all this deep meanings behind it, but at the same time i just want to go to six flags and universal studios orlando, and i want to ride the subway, and see the deep south, and the desert, and i could list so much more but i guess i just want to say - I WANT TO SEE EVERYTHING. i want to see america, all of it, perhaps, before i kill myself. i don't think i'll kill myself, but you know, there's always a possibility. so i'll do this stuff before deciding life is too much to bear anymore. but then, i know i want to see other countries too, mongolia, khazakstan, finland, sweden again. so i'll put off the suicide until i see those places also. and maybe after that i'll desire to make a film. so i'll put it off once more, and so on and so on. i'm rambling again but back to america - the pounds to dollars rate is also quite good for me if i was visiting, £1700 is $2247. that seems pretty good, but i don't know nuffin about numbers or economics or money. all i know is ... lily money get bigger in other currency. AMAZING!!! i want to hunt boars and get a hunting rifle, i just think about hunting a lot.

📅 17/3/26

dxm pills came today, FINALLY! i took um 7, which is 210mg in total. if it's not enough, i'll take more but i'm sure it'll be enough, since i got the freebase -- these are 33% more potent apparantly. i just hope i don't have a terrible trip or whateva. anyway!!!! in other news;; i've started a new painting, i've been feeling very creative Lately :-> i have many ideas, for painting & sculpture & photography, and i like to think they're very good ideas!!!!!

i don't actually have much to say right now, i'll update more later. ok i love you all!