♡ My Diary ♡

letter, 08/09/25
i have not been sleeping well again - i've returned to that liminal stage of sleep, of being wide-eyed and awake at times when the moon is bright, and then sleeping away whilst the clock ticks and the sunlight catches my mealworm's tank and makes them look like golden creatures. sometimes it is different, like yesterday. i got home at around five pm, and slept until eight thirty in the morning, and the reason for such a shift in scheduling was because of a sudden and depressing onset of illness. i really am neurotic, very much so, and i was shaking and twitchy and it felt as if i may be dying - or at least going to lose consciousness- and there was not much i could do to ease this unprompted episode of neurosis. i was sick too, several times, which is always the most horrific thing about it all. in the end, i was so dizzy and could barely walk for much longer; wanting to lay down on a bench and just sleep forever, or die, as that would be called. (i am Not suicidal, just so you know) as i way on the way back, i heard the loud drums of a protest and i was shaky then, too. i nearly cried, but i didn't, because i am trying not to cry as much these days. since i'm an adult, and it feels embarrassing to cry as an adult because you cannot find your way to somewhere and you have a headache. but at least i managed. small victories, et cetera et cetera. i don't think i need a therapist, just someone to be patient with me. and kind too, my heart is so deeply sensitive! perhaps one day it won't be. i'm brave! it feels like i am asking for gentleness in a world that is harsh and angry and violent.

anyway. clearly, i have a habit of going of on a tangent. i guess i just have a lot to say. it's interesting though, i'm barely on my phone and i am TERRIBLE at texting people back in a timely fashion. it definitely looks so rude, but i don't mean it in a dismissive or unreliable way - just that i am in my own world, and such a world is not always open for correspondence. but i always reply eventually, full of apologies... i think i say sorry too much, it must be annoying to frequently hear:

sorry sorry i'm so sorry i really am sorry sorry

huh. in many aspects of myself i am a weird little freak, clearly. very visible not like anybody else, in the way i carry myself, and speak, and dress, too. but i don't know, a lot of it feels beyond my control. that sounds lazy and like i refuse to work on myself, which is not the case, it's mainly just the fact i was sexually abused in various ways from the ages of 10-16, and that kind of messes you up in ways no one can predict. yet how can i tell people this when they feel as if they are owed an explanation? i don't want to piss on anyone's flowers, and i don't want to use it as an excuse or ploy for attention.
gosh! it feels weird to bring that up, but i felt i should. i don't know why. but i guess that explains a lot of my neurosis- why i am nervous.

dreamt of angelic bubbles drifting in cables. when i woke up the screen hummed like a shrine.