04/11/25 - for my entire life, i've never felt like an actual human, instead its as if i am a kind of creature; wild and feral, and if i cut away all of my flesh, there would be my True Form somewhere beneath the cartilage. howling. i'm not a furry. i cannot identify the type of creature exactly - it's just a concept of one, of something untamed and messy and feral, with sharp teeth that know how to tear apart. it's like my skin was issued to me by mistake. too structured, too ordinary. and i'm moving through the world half-translated, just a creature pretending to speak the grammar of humankind.

it's so weird, it's like i am a living contradiction; i'm childish but also i feel as if i have lived since the conception of the universe, like i was once free, drinking rain water from puddles, feeling raw hunger and speaking a language that existed before words, before spoken dialect. the orginal world had no mirrors or names, only trembling. my soul carries so much - innocence and memory and a faint pain that lives in my body - and it's all tangled in the same soft skin. i hold a children's toy and i feel the echo of the first cell to divide.

i was stood at the bus stop earlier, thinking about this while writing my name in sticks.

ANYWAYZ. i want to make music, my own style of it. LiLYSOUND!!!! i have many visions & plans... when i get my money, i might be some stuff for it, like synths & that sort of thing. i also want a bass!

07/11/25 - i don't know what even happened to make me feel so fucking bad all of a sudden. t's like, i was Fine & i was very happy with everything, i felt like my life was going pretty well, especially with illya, but then suddenly i just want to violently kill myself. like yesterday i was at the bus stop waiting, while standing there i was trying not to cry, and working out the logistics of what would happen, realistically, if i threw myself in front of a car. and yesterday also, while i was in life drawing i realised i couldn't do it anymore, and just walked out of the classroom and didn't come back in. i cried in the toilets, full on sobbing. I DON'T KNOW WHY! but i don't feel loved or wanted or needed by anyone, it feels as if my entire existence is a burden. i wish i was Normal so very badly! because what is wrong with me??? why do i have to live like this when people who hurt me really badly get to move on with their lives as if they Didn't Do Anything?? it's not fucking fair and if i was a little bit braver, then maybe they'd get what they deserve. but i am scared to hurt anyone. i don't have a violent soul, i don't think. i just want to feel happy and safe and loved again. but it hurts so badly. i am so scared i'll push people away with my problems.